{my brothers}

I miss my brothers a lot these days. I miss my little sister too, but it's the boys that I'm really wanting to see.

When my dad remarried a long time ago, I knew they would have more kids.

Whenever Dylan & I heard the words, "We're having another baby!" the announcement evoked such a complicated emotion. On one hand, my 8-, 10-, 12-, and 13-year old self was thrilled. With an age difference of more than eight years, there's a maternal quality that's injected into the role of Big Sister that wouldn't be there if two years were between us. I knew right away that my relationship with my younger siblings would be unlike my relationship with Dylan or my step-siblings. For lots of reasons of course, but mainly because of the age difference. I can distinctly remember each of their births, each of their milestones, each of their personalities forming, & I feel so blessed to have been able to be a huge part of that.

There was excitement... then worry would set in. When I think back to those four separate nights of hearing those words, I can still feel the anxiety that flushed through me. The first two times, I was young & naive & more worried about how my dad could have enough love to love us all equally. But the older I got, the more I realized my dad's heart is one of the biggest out there. It wasn't love that was going to spread thin, but time. How was he going to have enough time to listen & hug & kiss & focus on each of us? On top of a marriage & an important job? {This continues to be something I think & worry about, but we all managed fairly well.}

After worry & excitement, I would finally think: "I hope it's a girl!" I prayed & wished for a younger sister.

But I got three brothers before I got the girl.

I'll be honest, each time I heard, "It's a boy!" I felt such disappointment. But once I saw the baby, I forgot all about the fact that they weren't a girl & focused on the fact that I was a big sister again.

As I venture into adulthood & more of my Facebook friends are getting married & having kids, I always catch myself thinking: I only want girls. I feel like I speak girl. I know girl. I am close to my mom & sister, & I want what we have. But then I think about those three younger half-bothers of mine & I could simultaneously burst & cry with love. They've been on my mind constantly.

How glad am I to have gotten three brothers.

The youngest of the boys turned 11 last week! What!?! I cannot believe it. I sent him a super funny card but I still owe him a present. This age is so tough when it comes to gifts, but it's my favorite age too.

He is just the best. Honestly is the funniest kid out of all of them. He looks just like my dad, which I love, & his personality is so unlike the rest of them. He's a trickster & so clever. I will always have a soft spot for him because he has food allergies too, but he takes it with such stride. {Unlike me. Ha!} Whenever I think of him, I can't help but smile. & then I tear up, because I miss him so much.

AND the middle one is turning 13 today!! A teenager! I know it's the parents who usually feel this way, but I'm in complete denial. It seems like yesterday that he was born. Out of all of them, I see myself in him the most. He is a natural artist; his creativity takes my breath away every time I see him. The guitar & piano came so easily to him, as did his talent of drawing, & yet he somehow balances it with an athletic ability I was never gifted.

I've especially thought about him a lot this past month because he is a California kid through & through. He was born in Los Angeles--the only one of the bunch--& when he visited Santa Barbara this summer, he had the time of his life. I know he'll find his way back here. Hopefully I'm here when he does.

I can't wait to continue watching them grow up. I can't wait to let them watch movies their parents won't let them watch, & say "yes" when they want another sugary thing before dinner, & I really can't wait until they have girlfriends. Because I will hound & grill that poor girl many times to simply make sure of the fact that they are worth my three brothers. The ones I am so happy to have gotten.

If I ever have sons, I want them to be just like them.

^^That tall one there--who is now two heads taller than me!--will get a special post on his birthday.